poop

So he finally asked! And I was surprisingly vague with my response, I actually thought I would flat out say no. Not because he's not a good guy or anything, just because it would be way too much to deal with right now. And I still feel vaguely guilty about these things, although I'm not dating, or even friends with, A. It's really quite ridiculous, he is a total asshole, why do I need to feel bad about this stuff? I used to care for him a lot, but he just wasn't worth it you know? He used to whine about how I would ditch him for my family or for my friends, and look at what he did. I get so mad even thinking about it, or him. Plus, he's probably moved on real quick, I imagine.

I guess I'm also quite wary of dating right now, after that whole fiasco. You love someone, you try to do all you can for them, and they are really nice to you when they need a shoulder to cry on, when they are anxious or upset or panicky or just plain hopeless. As soon as things begin to look up for them, however, they waste no time in telling you how messed up you are, how your life is a "disaster" and other such lovely things. And, of course, picking some losers over you. Losers, some of whom have actually been mean to you - I've stood up for him countless times, both with my friends and outsiders. He didn't when that bitch was so mean to me, he pretended like I was crazy for imagining it. He did the SAME thing with Natalia, I was imagining it all.....and finally, I think he realized what a bitch she really was and how she was screwing us BOTH over. For all his worldliness, he's really easily influenced by ass-kissing whores. Not to mention dim, he thought he had stuff in COMMON with Natalia!! AHAHA. You know what, he does, he stoops to their level, doesn't he? How can people be so disgusting, and then be able to deny it or justify it even to themselves? I mean, however much I might defend myself with other people, I know when I'm wrong or have acted in a disgusting manner. And I try to make up for it, even if I don't admit it openly. Even with him, I used to do that. Oh and when I used to tell him this stuff, he'd act like I was making him feel guilty, would I please stop that? Like I was really harshing his buzz. God, I'm laughing. So I'm not telling him anything anymore, just pretending he doesn't exist.

I know that every girl has to go through her share of crap before they find a nice guy, but I used to think he WAS my nice guy you know? Before all the shit. I don't know, should I just go for it with this boy? There's also that other thing that just never fucking seems to go away.

I don't know, I kind of wish I was done in April so I could just move away. I'm kind of tired of this place and the people. It would do me good to go away for a while. I'm definitely going someplace for the summer, fuck it. And hopefully, after December.
Wow, I wish I hadn't thought of this stuff, I was super pumped after my presentation went well yesterday and just generally stuff is making me happy. I'm excited for the movie tonight. Yay!